11 Things I Learned from Noah

A bit of humour mixed with spirituality

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah and his Ark

1. Don’t miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5. Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you’re stressed, float a while.
10. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
11. No matter the storm, when you are with the Higher Power, there’s always a rainbow waiting…

Oh, and be careful of Woodpeckers.

See also;

• Mindfulness for Recovery
• Why the HP Actually Works

Twelve Steps to Insanity

 

As opposed to the 12-Steps to recovery here is the suggested program to insanity or have a laugh at ones former self behaviour.

1. I decided I could handle my emotional problems if other people would just quit trying to run my life.
2. I firmly believed that there is no greater power than myself, and anyone who said so was insane.
3. I made a decision to remove my will and my life from God who didn’t understand me anyhow.
4. I made a searching and thorough moral inventory of everyone I knew so they couldn’t fool me and take advantage of my good nature.
5. I sought these people out and tried to get them to admit to me, by God, the exact nature of their wrongs.
6. I became willing to help these people get rid of these defects of character.
7. I was humble enough to ask these people to remove their shortcomings.
8. I kept a list of all the people who had harmed me and waited patiently for a chance to get even with them.
9. I got even with these people whenever possible except when to do so would get me in trouble, too.
10. I continued to take everyone’s inventory and when they were wrong, which was most of the time, I promptly made them admit it.
11. I sought through the concentration of my will power to get God, who didn’t understand me anyhow, to see that my ideas were best and that I had the power to carry them out.
12. Having maintained my emotional problems for twenty-five years with these steps, I can thoroughly recommend them to others who don’t want to lose their hard-earned status and wish to be left alone to practice neurosis in everything they do for the rest of the days of their lives.

Author Unknown

Chuckle Words ;-)

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. These are some of the winners:

• Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
• Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
• Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes
• up on the roof and gets stuck there.
• Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

The 12 Steps to Insanity

The 12 Steps to Insanity

1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing. We could manage our lives perfectly and we could manage those of anyone else that would allow it.
2. Came to believe that there was no power greater than ourselves, and the rest of the world was insane.
3. Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their wills and their lives over to our care.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.
5. Admitted to the whole world at large the exact nature of their wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to make others straighten up and do right.
7. Demanded others to either "shape up or ship out".
8. Made a list of anyone who had ever harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.
9. Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible except when to do so would cost us our own lives, or at the very least, a jail sentence.
10. Continued to take inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
11. Sought through nagging to improve our relations with others as we couldn’t understand them at all, asking only that they knuckle under and do things our way.
12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.
    

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Insanity Exemplified

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Alcohol quotes

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  -Author Unknown

The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.  -Author Unknown

When the wine goes in, strange things come out.  -Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller, The Piccolomini, 1799

If drinking is interfering with your work, you’re probably a heavy drinker.  If work is interfering with your drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic.  -Author Unknown

O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!  -William Shakespeare, Othello

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.  -Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

What’s drinking?
A mere pause from thinking!
-George Gordon, Lord Byron, The Deformed Transformed

When the wine is in, the wit is out.  -Proverb

Drunkenness is temporary suicide.  -Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune.  -Giuseppe Garibaldi

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.  -Seneca

Brandy, a noun.  A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.  -Ambrose Bierce

How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that make me want to drink?  -Author Unknown

New!  Improved!  Instant asshole… just add alcohol!  -Author Unknown

Oh, he occasionally takes an alcoholiday.—Oscar Wilde